Everybody has pronouns that they like to be called by, not just trans and non-binary people.
Somepeoplemayask to be addressed with they/them/their pronouns, instead of he/him/his or she/her/hers.
Others maybelieve that it is grammatically incorrect to use they/them/theirs to refer to a singular person, however this isfalse. We commonly usethey/them/theirto refer to people we can’t see or don’t personally know, and in classical literature, Geoffrey Chaucer, William Shakespeare and Jane Austen all used them/them/their pronouns to refer to singular characters.
We can’t always tell someone’s gender just by looking at them, and we know there are more genders than just “man” and “woman”. Using they/them pronouns for people as standard before you know their gender or pronouns can be a useful way to avoid using the wrong pronouns by mistake.
HOW DO I KNOW SOMEONE’S PRONOUNS AND GENDER?
If you’re not sure of a person’s gender, often you don’t really need to know.
If you are having a conversation with or about a person, it’s polite to ask for a person’s pronouns. You can ask the person privately “how would you like me to refer to you?” or “can I just check, what pronouns do you use?”
If you do need to know their gender, for example if they are a service user at your workplace and you need to complete a demographic form for them, then do so as you would any other sensitive piece of information about a person. Itis best to ask privately, and perhaps alongside other information you need to collect, in order not to single that aspect of them out as “unusual”.
BUT WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE?
Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, it’s just important that you acknowledge them and learn from them.
If you make a mistake,acknowledge it, apologise quickly, correct yourself, and move on with the conversation.Do not draw lots of attention to the mistake, and do not over-apologise, as this will often make the situation more uncomfortable.
Thepersonyou have misgendered may be annoyed or angry, but these feelings areoften not directed at you personally, but the general experience of being misgendered repeatedly.Using a different name or pronouns is one of one of the few ways we can socially affirm our gender, particularly early in transition, and so it may feel particularly invalidating to have people misgender you in this way.
Do not take these feelings personallybut use it as motivation to try and do better next time.
NEO-PRONOUNS
Neo-pronouns are newpronounscreatedby trans, non-binary and intersex communitiesto speak totheirparticular experiences of gender. More common neo-pronouns include xe/xem/xyr,fae/faerand thon/thons.
These pronouns are used in the same way as he/she/they pronouns but may require you to think more carefully before you address someone to ensure you are using the correct words. It may also be helpful for you to practice using these pronouns correctly in private if you are struggling.
Examples:
“Xe told me thatxyrdog had to go to the vet”
“I saw Alex today, and fae were wearing a cool t-shirt – I toldfaerthat faelooked really nice!”
“Thon brought that phonethonself– if I needoneI’ll borrow thon’s”
USING DIFFERENT PRONOUNS IN DIFFERENT SPACES
Some people may use different pronouns depending on who they are with or the space that they are in. We might also use different pronouns for safety reasons.
For example, some people may use he/him pronouns at their work, but they/them pronouns at their community group.This could be personal preference or because they feel unsafe using gender-neutral pronouns at their work.Others may use neo-pronouns online but not in person.
Some people may use pronouns from a different language or culture than you are used to. We might use these pronounsall thetime ormay only use these when weare atevents celebrating our heritage or culture, or with other members of our community.
Additionally, some people may only be comfortable with certain people usingparticularpronouns for them. For example, we mightaskwomen to address us with she/her/hers butask others to use xe/xem/xyr. We might prefer trans and non-binary people to use fae/faer/faerselfto talk about us but ask cis people to use they/them/theirs.
As always, you should beledby the individual’s wishes, and if they tell you to use different pronouns than you are used to, you should respect this as best as you can.
USING MORE THAN ONE PRONOUN
Some people may use more than one pronoun to talk about themselves. This is commonly written as he/they, they/she, xe/she, fae/he, he/she/they or any combination of two or more pronouns.
If this is the case, you should alternate between the pronouns when you are talking about the person, unless they give you more specific instructions.
AWARENESS
To aid all employees to build their awareness, here are some ideas for getting pronouns right:
- Try to get into the habit of using “they/them” until you know someone’s pronouns, e.g. “There is someone here to see you. I will ask them to take a seat”;
- When you introduce someone use their pronouns so that others know what pronouns to adopt, e.g. “This is Jen, they work in Finance. This is Fred, he works in Marketing”;
- Listen to how people speak about themselves and follow suit;
- Pronouns may be detailed underneath their email signature if you have received an email from them;
- If you are unsure, discreetly ask people what their pronouns are (e.g. “Sorry, I didn’t catch your pronouns”).
HOW TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR PRONOUNS
It’s good practice to state your pronouns when you introduce yourself (as long as you feel safe doing so), as it normalises asking and telling people about the language you use to refer to yourself.
More information:
LGBTQIA+ – Inclusive Terms
Understanding Pronouns – LGBT Foundation
A beginner’s guide to pronouns and using pronouns in the workplace | Stonewall
